Last night as I lay awake tossing and turning for the 49th night in a row, no I don't sleep well these days, I started thinking about how hopeless this all seems. I often wonder why I get so annoyed when Jeff leaves for work. Why do I get so annoyed that he doesn't do much around the house or make many decisions regarding how things are decorated or organized? Then it hit me, I am not so much annoyed as I am jealous. I often find myself thinking about the things I use to do. In exactly those terms. I use to dance, I use to work, I use to have friends, then I became a mom. Then the guilt sets in. I am a Mormon women I am suppose to love being a mom and home maker. I was put on this earth to raise children, clean house, and serve others. WHY DO I NOT ENJOY these things? I don't understand it but I hope I am not alone. Some times I feel as if I have the wait of the world on my shoulders and no one to turn too. Jeff has a job and works hard to provide for us, that should be enough. I have two beautiful little boys that really do try hard to be good, but some times it's just to much. Between the nasty looks when we are out and one starts to cry and then peeing all over the house I just can't do it all.
I try so hard to be faithful, to read my scriptures and say my prayers but I don't feel like that is enough. I constantly feel as if I should be doing more but yet can't seem to do anything at all. I have tons of unfinished projects, loads of laundry, and dreams and aspirations that just don't seem like they will ever get done or achieved because I am a mom, a wife, and a daughter.
How does one get past this. How does one learn to love being a mom and doing most things on her own?
3 comments:
are definitely not alone. I have my days like that! And my gets worse bc my husband has a bachelor degree but only gets paid minimum wage! So I get depressed that I can get the things I want to decorate my house and more! Alyvia still doesn't sleep through the night and she's 2!! We have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. There are TONS of things that can bring you down, but we need to look toward that which brings us up. I have decided to put Alyvia in gymnastics and I am looking into a pre-school for 2-3 times a week, So I can accomplish things for me. Socializing! Girls' nights out and scrapbook nights. Look into a dance class... they usually only once a week. That could be just what you need to have a break and remind you who you are. The Lord asks us to be a wife, mother, sister, and friend; but he doesn't ask us to loose who we are just build upon it and become more. Sorry... done rambling. Love ya!! Keep your chin up.
Hang in there!
I remember when you watched Hinckley for us one day and you expressed how bad you wanted a baby of your own. You are a great mom and YOU ARE DOING ENOUGH. YOU ARE doing the greatest and hardest job in the world.
Hey Cariann I found your blog through Jamie's blog and this post totally hit home with me. I've been feeling like this a lot for the past year or two. I decided that when we had our 3rd and final baby (who is 3 months old right now) I would do something for myself so I could feel like Beth again - not just like wife, mom, housekeeper, nanny, cook, ect... I just bought myself a new horse and am making time a few evenings a week to take him out. Honestly it's the best thing in the whole world. I'm a lot happier with my family and my life now that I'm actually doing something to make ME happy, not just everyone else. I've found that if I am not doing something for me occasionally, then I'm not a good mom or wife. We have to fill our own buckets before we can fill everyone else's! Sorry for the novel - just know that you're not alone!
willmoreb@ida.net
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