Maybe the baby blues have finally hit, or maybe it's the massive amounts of stress that Jeff and I are under or maybe it's just that I am not cut out for the life I am trying to live but either way i am just not feeling it. I am ready to run away and never come back. I look at how free and happy my friends who don't have children are and how easy it is for them to go and do the things they want. I can't even eat when I am hungry these days.
I wonder if I were closer to my family if I would feel better, if I would be happier but to be honest I don't know. The truth be told I feel alone there too.
It's as if I am alone in this great big world. I have 2 children to raise, bills to pay, a house to keep clean, a lesson for RS to prepare, a yard to take care of, 2 cars to keep running, and no one to help. Jeff has been so stressed with work and focused on doing everybody eases jobs that I am pretty sure he has forgotten that his family is more important.
Maybe I have just hit a rut or something but I really wonder what I am doing here and why I chose this life. Why did I want this so badly? Cause it is not what I thought it would be. I hate deciding what's for dinner, and should I take the boys to the Dr., has Landon had enough to eat today, does Devon need to sleep? How often should I water the grass, is it time for the cars to be serviced, did I remember to take out the trash? Are the dishes clean or dirty? What time is Jeff coming home for dinner? Is he going back to work after dinner? Is Devon going to eat dinner today? WHAT'S THE POINT?????
I want to go back to school I want to do something for me. I want to be totally selfish and pack a bag and go away from everyone and everything. I am sick and tired of being the door mat, maid, and cook in this house.
But I wont because I am just pain to weak to actually change my life.
3 comments:
Sweetie! I'm sorry things are rough right now. I wish I could say i understand, but I don't have two kids, so I don't really understand it all. But I can say several things: First, if you feel like you need to do something that is just for you, then do something that is just for you. It's not selfish, it's smart: a happy mommy makes for a happy home-so find out what it is that will make you happy, and do it for a few hours a week, or whenever it is you can do it. Second: if you are worried about baby blues setting in, or you're noticing that this 'not feeling it' feeling is lasting longer than you think it should, or is abnormal compared to how you usually feel-you need to tell your doctor. Hormones after you have a baby are a tricky thing, and if they are out of whack, and it isn't treated, it can be a bad thing, right? And there could be a simple solution to you "feeling it" again-like more vitamin D, or whatever the doctor orders:) That being said, i wish i could come and watch your kidlets for you while you go shopping or whatever. Love you :)
Hang in there sweetie! Life is stressful and hard sometimes. Stay close to the Savior, He will comfort you in your time of need. When life gets too hard to stand... KNEEL!
LOVE YOU. I will say a special prayer in my heart for you and the next time I am at the temple I will put your name on the prayer list.
So I just read this post and I hope you are feeling better. Life can be rough and it is easy to feel the pressure of being so perfect and happy no matter what. Very few people admit to have weaknesses and trials and give honest account of their lives. Sorry I have been hard to reach lately. I value your friendship and I'm always ready to help you out or listen when life is kicking your butt.
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